Broken Heart Made Whole

The Danger of Guarding your Heart

As an emerging adult, I was taught that one of the most faithful things I could do as a young Christian woman was to guard my heart. That meant preventing myself from falling in love, especially with anyone who could lead me astray, and it basically resulted in me not dating because no one sinless came along. And I was relatively fine with that—I had a lot of other things on my metaphorical plate, so this freed up my time. But mostly I wanted to follow the Bible’s wisdom of not giving away my heart too easily because I loved God, I wanted to obey God, and I trusted that God’s advice would protect me from getting hurt. And I definitely didn’t want to get hurt.

Many years later, I was resisting falling in love with someone, and a Christian colleague of mine asked me why. I had many answers, all of which my colleague shot down, and the most eye-opening and memorable was his response about me guarding my heart out of faithfulness to God and fear of getting hurt.

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Cozy socks

Cold Feet Truths

In the early stages of our relationship, my husband and I knew the chances of it resulting in marriage were a long shot. We were very different, lived on two separate continents, and didn’t have enough money to bridge the gap very often. The limited amount of time we had in person was rushed and jam-packed with experiences, without the ability to see each other in normal, everyday kind of life.

But there was something about this man that, despite the challenges, kept me riveted to my computer screen on Skype. So much so that I married him the 3rd time we got to be together on the same continent (for a more spiritual version of the story, click here).

I knew—absolutely knew—that this was the man for me. But lots of people get some version of cold feet before heading down the aisle, and I was not an exception.  Annoying little contradictions crept periodically into my mind, things like “we don’t have enough in common” and “what if I’m making the biggest mistake of my life?” My confusion and frustration about all the mixed messages I was hearing regarding my future often led me to tears.

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Compass in hand

God Told Me We’re Getting Married

I used to think that people who claimed God had spoken to them were crazy. With some people, I still do, depending on what they claim they’re hearing. But over the years I’ve rubbed shoulders with all sorts of Christians and gleaned from them what makes their faith so vibrant and relevant. Those whose faith I came to respect the most are the ones who both speak to and hear from God on a regular basis. And so, taking many of my cues from these spiritual mentors, I tried learning how to cultivate that ability to hear the voice of God.

Early on in this process I learned that extra wisdom and caution is necessary in the areas of romance, money, and power. When we want one of these things we tend to want it so badly that we can easily superimpose that desire over what God is actually saying. The desire itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but a misinterpretation of God’s will regarding that desire can lead someone to do or say something really stupid. That’s why sometimes a random guy will walk up to a girl he doesn’t know claiming that God just told him that she is his future wife. I mean, some girls go for that, but most rational women will object. One of my favorite responses I’ve heard to that line is, “Well, he hasn’t mentioned you to me!”

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Sparklers fizzing out

Losing Her “Spark”

Long ago a friend of mine reflected on a friend of his, and his reflection has stuck with me over the years. He had observed that his friend, who used to be quite bubbly and energetic, became much more reserved and mellow since getting into a serious relationship with a very conservative guy. My friend was worried that his friend was changing who she was to accommodate her boyfriend’s expectations of what a good, proper, and (in their conservative Christian perspective) submissive woman was supposed to be.

I was never quite as bubbly as my friend’s friend. However, I was an introvert who often faked being an extrovert when I was trying to win people’s affection. And I worried that when I started intentionally choosing to act more introvertedly with people, that they would worry that I was changing myself for my boyfriend, too.

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Two faces covered by heart icons

How to Write Your Online Dating Profile

When I was venturing into the online dating world, I found this Ted talk by Amy Webb really entertaining and helpful in preparing my online profile. In the second half of the video she describes her unconventional way to find out what kinds of profiles attracted the kind of men she was interested in dating, and how she adjusted her profile in order to be more approachable and get her foot in the door with some of these men.

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Internet Dating

Online Dating Your Way

I met my husband on It feels so weird to admit that, even though the stigma about online dating has decreased over the years. It doesn’t help that Match doesn’t have the shiniest of reputations when you put it up against eHarmony’s long and trusted compatibility process. But hey, eHarmony was more expensive, it took a lot longer before they let you communicate with potential dates, and my original goal was not yet to fall in love but to go on as many dates as I could to practice dating before upgrading to finding true love on eHarmony. I never actually got that far, though. I ironically found my Love on the website with a hook-up reputation.

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